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| so now i am sitting infront of my computer again, thinking i need to share something with the world, and the last thing that was posted under my subscriptions was a year ago.
its sad that nobody ever uses xanga anymore.
anyway.
i moved back in with my parents this year in january, because i dodnt want to work for the bank anymore and decided to go to school again. and since you dont earn money to afford an appartment when you go to school, its best to live with your parents again.
and believe me, its not easy. but most of the time it is.
but untill school starts i had some time, so i worked in a workshop for "mentally challenged people" or well, down-syndrome and other disablements.
it was the nicest time i've ever had working. its like a little factory, where you have different appartments and every appartment has two leaders (that are "normal") and the employees are all "retarded".
but they are so cute. they seem to know every nice thing there is to know about love. they love you for simply getting up in the morning and coming to work. and thats what makes you feel so good about that job, they just dont care how you look or what you wear, this one guy said "hey, i like you, i can talk to you." it just made me smile.
but of course, like george harisson said "all good things must pass"
last year was hard. i went to four funerals.
first my uncle in april, he had cirrhosis of the liver. it wasnt nice, but i guess its better for him.
in oktober my friends mom died, i've known her since i was like 3 years old or so. she had cancer, everywhere. wasnt easy for my friend, but i guess it makes you stronger in a way and i just hang on to that thought of everything making sense sometime in your life..
in december my grandpa died. i only had one. he was in a coma. i guess he couldnt live without his wife (she died march 2007). he was lonley. and since he was a greek he was used to having family around. but his wife died, she walked into the ambulance car, and when my mom arrived at the hospital they said her heart just stopped beating.
it was shoking. and then my grandpa hat so burry his oldest son, a year after his wife. you could tell by the look in his eyes, that he just wasnt here anymore, he was still traped in his body but in his mind he was somewhere else, i mean, who yould want to stay in this world, once youve lost the love of your life and burried your own son?
my mom lost her mom, her brother and her father within not even two years. i feel so sorry for her.
and one week later my exboyfriends mom died.
she had a tumor in her head. they found out last year in june. she was always filled with life, she organized a lot of different things and she was just wonderfull, but the chemo wouldnt help and the tumor just kept growing.
i think its best for her too, but it feels awkward, she was there, always, and so full of life and ready to steal horses with you. and now shes just gone. its hard to imagine.
its hard to imagine life without persons in general.
i had a cat once, i was three when we got her and 14 when she died, i had her my entire life and i was so sad that she was dead and i missed her so much for half a year i cried myself to sleep at least once a week because i was so sad, and now i cant even remember her face.
but that was a cat, i can remember my grandma very well, but it hurts. it hurts to know that shes not there anymore.
its sad to go to my friends house, to see all the pictures her mom painted, and know, that she will grow up without her mom. her kids will never have more than one grandma.
and my mom, her other brother has cirrhosis of the liver too. they both had hebatitis. and she only has three brothers, i guess itll boil down too her and her younger brother... but not even 3 three years ago they where a five headed family.
i hope that my uncle will get a new liver soon. then this dying will stop for a little while.
its not fair. sometimes.
but what i actually wanted to write about today was my new boyfriend.
yes, after 6years of on-and-off with my exboyfriend i finally dared to give it another try.
i dont believe in love anymore. i think it jut doesnt exist in the way the people would like it to. i do believe in being in love, haveing butterflys and all that, but i dont believe that someone can really love someone the rest of his life. it just turns into "getting used to it". but if i'm used to haveing someone around me, doenst mean i love him, does it? and o cant imagine life without him, because i'm used to haveing him here, not because i love him. coming to think of it, i need a deffinition of "love".
anyway. this guy he really likes me, he calls me everyday and gets dissapointed if i dont have time and if i am away for 5 days he starts going nuts because he wont see me that long. i'm not used to so much attention. its weird, b ut since i dont believe in love anymore, its hard to have someone love you without feeling bad for it.
i mean i like him, hes nice and i did have a crush on him, boy was i into him =)
but do i have to feel bad for not wanting to call him everyday?
and so i have to plan my future with him, 6 weeks after we started going out with eachother?
no i dont.
and he knows that. we talk about all that.
but i still feel bad for it.
i dont know why.
its not fair. i had this guy, that i really thought i loved, but he gave me no attention at all, or not in the way i would have wanted it or whatever, something whent wrong, and now i have this guy, who seems perfect, and i really appreciate that, but it feels totally wrong. somehow.
i dont know.
if you really do love someone, why doesnt the relationship work?
and then again, why does it work, if youre not even really able to commit yourself anymore?
well, i just had to get rid of that... and now i will go to bed. | | |
| Happiness
More or less
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, my
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just where I am
But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?
But I'm a lucky man
With fire in my hands
Happiness
Something in my own place
I'm stood here naked
Smiling, I feel no disgrace
With who I am
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just who I am
But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?
I hope you understand
I hope you understand
Gotta love that'll never die | | |
| oh boy..
i broke up with moritz. and evrything was fine.. untill this friend of my best friend made friends with him..
complicated, i know..
but so now they hang out with eachother and stuff,,, and i am totally fine with it.
if it werent for them treating me like a raw egg.. like i would fall appart as soon as i hear that they had some drinks together the other week..
hello? we broke up, hes not part of my life anymore, i dont have the rigth to care about what he does anymore..
but they dont seem to get it, and now they have me so far that i don't even know who to trust anymore.
my best firend ana is constantly worried about how i am and she diesnt believeme when i say that i am fine..
and judith is currently hanging out with ppl i just dint feel comfortable with..
and my boys (the ones i met in december, i really love them all, theyre great)
well, two of them moved to this city about 2hours away... and the other one lives about 2hours in the other direction
and the fourth.. well.. we were in london together.. and then he had a crush on me and then i kinda stopped talking to him.. cuz i was kinda disapointed.. i dont know why..
and um yeah..
so everythings basically going down..
a downwards spiral..
kinda
i am fine tho.
i can do what i want to do..
nobody cares if i come home drunk
and i can take someone home with me, or just not come home at all..
some ppl are afraid of freedom cuz it costs a lot of responsibility.
i know a woman, who had to drink 1 bottle of vodka to be "normal".
i respect her. she made it, shes divorced and she does what she wants and since she's sober and "dry" she's really made something out of herself.
hm.. i am gonna go to bed now.. lets see what my weekend brings..
sunday afternoon is a grillparty at anas house.. she invited me today..
she asked if it were ok if moritz and denise would come too..
since when is my best fiend friends with my boyfriend?
they werent friends in the last 4 years...
oh well.. i hope ppl in london arent as complicated as the ppl in germany...
since i loved london.. i am gonna move there someday.. | | |
| The sum of all fears
can't be put into words
it can't be put into a picture
or even be heard.
It's the worst thing
in like ever
don't even think about it
no never.
It's gonna contaminate
your mind.
And as you calm down
it slowly kreeps up your spin.
It tears you appart
and takes a piece away,
and like a puzzle undone
the rest of you goes astray. | | |
| hey there...
ahm.. well.. lotz has happened..
so I'll start from the beginning...
judith and i went out on the 9th december.. and then we wanted to take the bus home at 3.15am but it didnt come..
so i decided to walk to the next town and take the bus there.. and then i saw these boys sitting on a bench at the busstop...so i walked over to them and asked if they knew anything about the bus and if it comes late a lot.. and they said they didnt really know.. and then i told them that there is a bus in the next town and then we walked there with them.. they were four.. so we were 6 ppl walking to the other town.. it was quite fun actually.. and then we were there.. and there was no bus.. it wasnt even mentioned on the plan.. so we went inside the disco that was near that busstop.. and when that one closed we went for another walk.. to burgerking.. and had breakfast and told us jokes.. and then we took the second train home.. that was sooo fun.
anyway.. those four guys are our friends now.. they are soo cool.
anyway.. so we started hanging out a lot with them.. like every weekend since then..
moritz and i got into a "fight" on new years eve, because he knew since august that my friend ana was gonna celebrate in her appartment and that i wanted to go there.. and then two weeks before new years he decided to make a party with his friends.. and when i asked him what we were gonna do on new years he just said "well, i will celebrate with my friend" and then i didnt say anything anymore and l8r on i called ana and told her that i was gonna go to her house on new years.. and then on that new years day moritz asked me if ana was gonna come and i said no and then he asked if i was gonna come and i said no.
and then we got into a huge discussion about our realtion ship and stuff and decided to take a "break"
well, my new years eve was sooo cool. our new freinds came over and we had soo much fun.. we stayd at anas house till 10pm on the next day.. so it was a 24hr party..
and then two weeks l8r moritz and i talked again and he said that he couldnt be together with me anymore (cuz i did things like smoking waterpipe and sleepingover at my friendshouse and stuff)
i was ok with us breaking up. it still didnt really hit me or so.. i feel kinda bad for him tho cuz he realized he made some mistakes and he is really sorry for that.
but then again, i've been talking ot a wall the last 9months and i just dont want to do that anymore..
well.. yeah.. we still talk to eachother when we see eachother.. and we are able to talk like normal ppl do.. so i guess thats ok..
i got a tatoo about a week ago.
heres a pic:
ahm.. yeah.. i like it.. its supposed to be a bird..
birds kinda symbolize freedom. they can just fly away.
thats kinda cool.
well.. i have to do some stuff now..
c yall! | | |
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