| | so now i am sitting infront of my computer again, thinking i need to share something with the world, and the last thing that was posted under my subscriptions was a year ago.
its sad that nobody ever uses xanga anymore.
anyway.
i moved back in with my parents this year in january, because i dodnt want to work for the bank anymore and decided to go to school again. and since you dont earn money to afford an appartment when you go to school, its best to live with your parents again.
and believe me, its not easy. but most of the time it is.
but untill school starts i had some time, so i worked in a workshop for "mentally challenged people" or well, down-syndrome and other disablements.
it was the nicest time i've ever had working. its like a little factory, where you have different appartments and every appartment has two leaders (that are "normal") and the employees are all "retarded".
but they are so cute. they seem to know every nice thing there is to know about love. they love you for simply getting up in the morning and coming to work. and thats what makes you feel so good about that job, they just dont care how you look or what you wear, this one guy said "hey, i like you, i can talk to you." it just made me smile.
but of course, like george harisson said "all good things must pass"
last year was hard. i went to four funerals.
first my uncle in april, he had cirrhosis of the liver. it wasnt nice, but i guess its better for him.
in oktober my friends mom died, i've known her since i was like 3 years old or so. she had cancer, everywhere. wasnt easy for my friend, but i guess it makes you stronger in a way and i just hang on to that thought of everything making sense sometime in your life..
in december my grandpa died. i only had one. he was in a coma. i guess he couldnt live without his wife (she died march 2007). he was lonley. and since he was a greek he was used to having family around. but his wife died, she walked into the ambulance car, and when my mom arrived at the hospital they said her heart just stopped beating.
it was shoking. and then my grandpa hat so burry his oldest son, a year after his wife. you could tell by the look in his eyes, that he just wasnt here anymore, he was still traped in his body but in his mind he was somewhere else, i mean, who yould want to stay in this world, once youve lost the love of your life and burried your own son?
my mom lost her mom, her brother and her father within not even two years. i feel so sorry for her.
and one week later my exboyfriends mom died.
she had a tumor in her head. they found out last year in june. she was always filled with life, she organized a lot of different things and she was just wonderfull, but the chemo wouldnt help and the tumor just kept growing.
i think its best for her too, but it feels awkward, she was there, always, and so full of life and ready to steal horses with you. and now shes just gone. its hard to imagine.
its hard to imagine life without persons in general.
i had a cat once, i was three when we got her and 14 when she died, i had her my entire life and i was so sad that she was dead and i missed her so much for half a year i cried myself to sleep at least once a week because i was so sad, and now i cant even remember her face.
but that was a cat, i can remember my grandma very well, but it hurts. it hurts to know that shes not there anymore.
its sad to go to my friends house, to see all the pictures her mom painted, and know, that she will grow up without her mom. her kids will never have more than one grandma.
and my mom, her other brother has cirrhosis of the liver too. they both had hebatitis. and she only has three brothers, i guess itll boil down too her and her younger brother... but not even 3 three years ago they where a five headed family.
i hope that my uncle will get a new liver soon. then this dying will stop for a little while.
its not fair. sometimes.
but what i actually wanted to write about today was my new boyfriend.
yes, after 6years of on-and-off with my exboyfriend i finally dared to give it another try.
i dont believe in love anymore. i think it jut doesnt exist in the way the people would like it to. i do believe in being in love, haveing butterflys and all that, but i dont believe that someone can really love someone the rest of his life. it just turns into "getting used to it". but if i'm used to haveing someone around me, doenst mean i love him, does it? and o cant imagine life without him, because i'm used to haveing him here, not because i love him. coming to think of it, i need a deffinition of "love".
anyway. this guy he really likes me, he calls me everyday and gets dissapointed if i dont have time and if i am away for 5 days he starts going nuts because he wont see me that long. i'm not used to so much attention. its weird, b ut since i dont believe in love anymore, its hard to have someone love you without feeling bad for it.
i mean i like him, hes nice and i did have a crush on him, boy was i into him =)
but do i have to feel bad for not wanting to call him everyday?
and so i have to plan my future with him, 6 weeks after we started going out with eachother?
no i dont.
and he knows that. we talk about all that.
but i still feel bad for it.
i dont know why.
its not fair. i had this guy, that i really thought i loved, but he gave me no attention at all, or not in the way i would have wanted it or whatever, something whent wrong, and now i have this guy, who seems perfect, and i really appreciate that, but it feels totally wrong. somehow.
i dont know.
if you really do love someone, why doesnt the relationship work?
and then again, why does it work, if youre not even really able to commit yourself anymore?
well, i just had to get rid of that... and now i will go to bed. |
| | Posted 6/29/2009 6:04 PM - 8 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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