kaleidoskopeeyes's Xanga

it's been a while....

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 21:04:23 GMT

so now i am sitting infront of my computer again, thinking i need to share something with the world, and the last thing that was posted under my subscriptions was a year ago.
its sad that nobody ever uses xanga anymore.
anyway.
i moved back in with my parents this year in january, because i dodnt want to work for the bank anymore and decided to go to school again. and since you dont earn money to afford an appartment when you go to school, its best to live with your parents again.
and believe me, its not easy. but most of the time it is.
but untill school starts i had some time, so i worked in a workshop for "mentally challenged people" or well, down-syndrome and other disablements.
it was the nicest time i've ever had working. its like a little factory, where you have different appartments and every appartment has two leaders (that are "normal") and the employees are all "retarded".
but they are so cute. they seem to know every nice thing there is to know about love. they love you for simply getting up in the morning and coming to work. and thats what makes you feel so good about that job, they just dont care how you look or what you wear, this one guy said "hey, i like you, i can talk to you." it just made me smile.

but of course, like george harisson said "all good things must pass"

last year was hard. i went to four funerals.
first my uncle in april, he had cirrhosis of the liver. it wasnt nice, but i guess its better for him.
in oktober my friends mom died, i've known her since i was like 3 years old or so. she had cancer, everywhere. wasnt easy for my friend, but i guess it makes you stronger in a way and i just hang on to that thought of everything making sense sometime in your life..
in december my grandpa died. i only had one. he was in a coma. i guess he couldnt live without his wife (she died march 2007). he was lonley. and since he was a greek he was used to having family around. but his wife died, she walked into the ambulance car, and when my mom arrived at the hospital they said her heart just stopped beating.
it was shoking. and then my grandpa hat so burry his oldest son, a year after his wife. you could tell by the look in his eyes, that he just wasnt here anymore, he was still traped in his body but in his mind he was somewhere else, i mean, who yould want to stay in this world, once youve lost the love of your life and burried your own son?
my mom lost her mom, her brother and her father within not even two years. i feel so sorry for her.
and one week later my exboyfriends mom died.
she had a tumor in her head. they found out last year in june. she was always filled with life, she organized a lot of different things and she was just wonderfull, but the chemo wouldnt help and the tumor just kept growing.
i think its best for her too, but it feels awkward, she was there, always, and so full of life and ready to steal horses with you. and now shes just gone. its hard to imagine.
its hard to imagine life without persons in general.

i had a cat once, i was three when we got her and 14 when she died, i had her my entire life and i was so sad that she was dead and i missed her so much for half a year i cried myself to sleep at least once a week because i was so sad, and now i cant even remember her face.
but that was a cat, i can remember my grandma very well, but it hurts. it hurts to know that shes not there anymore.
its sad to go to my friends house, to see all the pictures her mom painted, and know, that she will grow up without her mom. her kids will never have more than one grandma.
and my mom, her other brother has cirrhosis of the liver too. they both had hebatitis. and she only has three brothers, i guess itll boil down too her and her younger brother... but not even 3 three years ago they where a five headed family.
i hope that my uncle will get a new liver soon. then this dying will stop for a little while.
its not fair. sometimes.

but what i actually wanted to write about today was my new boyfriend.
yes, after 6years of on-and-off with my exboyfriend i finally dared to give it another try.
i dont believe in love anymore. i think it jut doesnt exist in the way the people would like it to. i do believe in being in love, haveing butterflys and all that, but i dont believe that someone can really love someone the rest of his life. it just turns into "getting used to it". but if i'm used to haveing someone around me, doenst mean i love him, does it? and o cant imagine life without him, because i'm used to haveing him here, not because i love him. coming to think of it, i need a deffinition of "love".

anyway. this guy he really likes me, he calls me everyday and gets dissapointed if i dont have time and if i am away for 5 days he starts going nuts because he wont see me that long. i'm not used to so much attention. its weird, b ut since i dont believe in love anymore, its hard to have someone love you without feeling bad for it.
i mean i like him, hes nice and i did have a crush on him, boy was i into him =)
but do i have to feel bad for not wanting to call him everyday?
and so i have to plan my future with him, 6 weeks after we started going out with eachother?
no i dont.
and he knows that. we talk about all that.
but i still feel bad for it.
i dont know why.
its not fair. i had this guy, that i really thought i loved, but he gave me no attention at all, or not in the way i would have wanted it or whatever, something whent wrong, and now i have this guy, who seems perfect, and i really appreciate that, but it feels totally wrong. somehow.
i dont know.
if you really do love someone, why doesnt the relationship work?
and then again, why does it work, if youre not even really able to commit yourself anymore?

well, i just had to get rid of that... and now i will go to bed.

the verve

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 19:19:08 GMT

Happiness
More or less
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, my
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just where I am

But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?

But I'm a lucky man
With fire in my hands

Happiness
Something in my own place
I'm stood here naked
Smiling, I feel no disgrace
With who I am

Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just who I am

But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?

I hope you understand
I hope you understand

Gotta love that'll never die

late night...

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 18:54:48 GMT

oh boy..
i broke up with moritz. and evrything was fine.. untill this friend of my best friend made friends with him..
complicated, i know..
but so now they hang out with eachother and stuff,,, and i am totally fine with it.
if it werent for them treating me like a raw egg.. like i would fall appart as soon as i hear that they had some drinks together the other week..

hello? we broke up, hes not part of my life anymore, i dont have the rigth to care about what he does anymore..
but they dont seem to get it, and now they have me so far that i don't even know who to trust anymore.

my best firend ana is constantly worried about how i am and she diesnt believeme when i say that i am fine..
and judith is currently hanging out with ppl i just dint feel comfortable with..
and my boys (the ones i met in december, i really love them all, theyre great)
well, two of them moved to this city about 2hours away... and the other one lives about 2hours in the other direction
and the fourth.. well.. we were in london together.. and then he had a crush on me and then i kinda stopped talking to him.. cuz i was kinda disapointed.. i dont know why..
and um yeah..

so everythings basically going down..
a downwards spiral..
kinda

i am fine tho.
i can do what i want to do..
nobody cares if i come home drunk
and i can take someone home with me, or just not come home at all..
some ppl are afraid of freedom cuz it costs a lot of responsibility.

i know a woman, who had to drink 1 bottle of vodka to be "normal".
i respect her. she made it, shes divorced and she does what she wants and since she's sober and "dry" she's really made something out of herself.

hm.. i am gonna go to bed now.. lets see what my weekend brings..
sunday afternoon is a grillparty at anas house.. she invited me today..
she asked if it were ok if moritz and denise would come too..
since when is my best fiend friends with my boyfriend?
they werent friends in the last 4 years...

oh well.. i hope ppl in london arent as complicated as the ppl in germany...

since i loved london.. i am gonna move there someday..

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 13:08:17 GMT

The sum of all fears
can't be put into words
it can't be put into a picture
or even be heard.
It's the worst thing
in like ever
don't even think about it
no never.
It's gonna contaminate
your mind.
And as you calm down
it slowly kreeps up your spin.
It tears you appart
and takes a piece away,
and like a puzzle undone
the rest of you goes astray.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 14:46:24 GMT

hey there...
ahm.. well.. lotz has happened..
so I'll start from the beginning...

judith and i went out on the 9th december.. and then we wanted to take the bus home at 3.15am but it didnt come..
so i decided to walk to the next town and take the bus there.. and then i saw these boys sitting on a bench at the busstop...so i walked over to them and asked if they knew anything about the bus and if it comes late a lot.. and they said they didnt really know.. and then i told them that there is a bus in the next town and then we walked there with them.. they were four.. so we were 6 ppl walking to the other town.. it was quite fun actually.. and then we were there.. and there was no bus.. it wasnt even mentioned on the plan.. so we went inside the disco that was near that busstop.. and when that one closed we went for another walk.. to burgerking.. and had breakfast and told us jokes.. and then we took the second train home.. that was sooo fun.
anyway.. those four guys are our friends now.. they are soo cool.
anyway.. so we started hanging out a lot with them.. like every weekend since then..
moritz and i got into a "fight" on new years eve, because he knew since august that my friend ana was gonna celebrate in her appartment and that i wanted to go there.. and then two weeks before new years he decided to make a party with his friends.. and when i asked him what we were gonna do on new years he just said "well, i will celebrate with my friend" and then i didnt say anything anymore and l8r on i called ana and told her that i was gonna go to her house on new years.. and then on that new years day moritz asked me if ana was gonna come and i said no and then he asked if i was gonna come and i said no.
and then we got into a huge discussion about our realtion ship and stuff and decided to take a "break"
well, my new years eve was sooo cool. our new freinds came over and we had soo much fun.. we stayd at anas house till 10pm on the next day.. so it was a 24hr party..
and then two weeks l8r moritz and i talked again and he said that he couldnt be together with me anymore (cuz i did things like smoking waterpipe and sleepingover at my friendshouse and stuff)
i was ok with us breaking up. it still didnt really hit me or so.. i feel kinda bad for him tho cuz he realized he made some mistakes and he is really sorry for that.
but then again, i've been talking ot a wall the last 9months and i just dont want to do that anymore..
well.. yeah.. we still talk to eachother when we see eachother.. and we are able to talk like normal ppl do.. so i guess thats ok..

i got a tatoo about a week ago.

heres a pic:

ahm.. yeah.. i like it.. its supposed to be a bird..
birds kinda symbolize freedom. they can just fly away.
thats kinda cool.

well.. i have to do some stuff now..

c yall!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 16:38:31 GMT

a big hey to everyone that reads this..
this week as been wierd.. so i thought 'd keep ya updated...
well.. lets see...
saturday my parents moved into their new house.. and sunday we all went to my great-aunts birthday..
and, monday my mom spent the night at my house.. weird huh?
and tuesday too.. and yesterday she and my dad slept in my bed and i slept on the sofa...
oh well..
yesterday i got my drivers liscense.. and a nose and a belly-button-piercing..
thats why moritz is mad at me now.. but i dont really care anymore if he likes the things i do or not..
basically he doesnt like anything i do so, well, anyway...
yesterday was a very exiting day.. my drivin test and two piercings.. wow.. anyway.. i loved it.
ahm.. exept for moritz being pissed again.. but at the moment we are always pissed at eachother so i might as well get used to it...
hm.. what else..
oh... today my parents oficially sold the house to a young married couple that is gonna have its first baby in march...

my cat is getting bigger and bigger.. but not smarter.. oh well.. hes a cat...
ahm.. i am still best friends with ana, which is good.. shes kinda like the sister i never had...
well. i had a sister, that spent the last 10 years with being pissed at me because i was born..
she wanted to be an "only child"...
and when my mom told her that i am gonna get her car she got mad, because she had to buy her first car on her own.. but she never mentioned that my parents payed a private school, an appartment and stuff for her for 2 and a half years... if you were to add that up.. it would be more money than my car is worth.. but my sister doesnt really see that... oh well...
she lives 10minutes away from me anyway-- so i dont mind if shes pissed or not or why or whatever...

well.. actually that is a pretty negative update..
the positive thing is that i have acutally really found out who my real friends here are...
ana, judith and sascha. three is a good number..
there is a german saying that everything that is good is three...
so i guess thats positive..
i have lotz of other friends too, but they wouldnt stick up for me if i needed them to.

another positive thing is my appartment.. i really enjoy being able to come and go when, how and with who i like..
thats cool..
judith and i went clubbing the last 6 or 7 saturdays.. so we are almost "normal" now..
well, if you look at our "nightlife"..

ahm.. my apprenticeship is going ok..
and evrybody else here is fine too..

i still want to go to london..
and if its possible i will go there after my apprenticeship..
ana has a colegue who has a boyfriend that lives and studies in london.. he is sooo adorable whith his accent...
and yeah, so ana and her friend might go and work in a hospital in london and officially become "international nurses" and i will just go along with them and maybe i can get a job somewhere..
we'll see...
one of my (other) friends, michael, said he'd definetly go to london again, cuz hes already been there two times and he loved it.. so i might just gather some ppl like him together next year and go ther for a few days...

speaking of next year... i dont know where to celebrate new years eve yet...
ana has her own apparment too.. since about 6months or so.. and she wanted to celebrate there...
that would be like 40 ppl who are invited and 35square metters.. that makes less than one square meter per person..
is there a law about how much space your guests have to have?
anyway.. i am not all too fond of spending new years eve the way those small fishies spend weeks in their can...
hm.. and ana has sooo many people on her list..
most of them from church.. youthgroup.. but i dont really have anything to do with them anymore.. and i dont really feel like seeing them either.. so i might just hang out somewhere.. go to anas from like half past 11 till half past 12.. and then go..
i dont know yet.. we'll see...

judith is gonna stopp by soon.. she wanted to make shure i wear something "o.k." tomorow night..
eversince i have to look nice for work i dont feel like looking nice for anyhing else.. and its not like a shirt and jeans arent good enough for a disco.. but oh well...

so... long post..
just felt like throwing things out there.. gotta go now.. see ya!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 06:57:03 GMT

yeay.. almost a month since i blogged the ast time...
well..
i am at my parents.. waiting for my mom, so we can have breakfast together and then we'll go shopping, since moritz is turning 21 tomorow...
tomorow is a holiday, since its the day of the german reunion.. so everybody has off..
and i took off today.. so basically i am in the middle of a 4day weekend... nice, huh?
well, anyway..

how r u guys...
sammy and i talked about me comming to jersey next summer..
but we'll have to see about that...
i'll probably be able to tell in january or so...

the book-mess is in frankfurt this week.. so moritz and i will go there on saturday..
i've never been there.. its just a big hall with lots and lots of books and publishers and whatnot...
and india is the special guest this year.. so there'll be lotz of indish stuff too..

well, i'll post again sometime.. how it was and stuff...

peace out!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 16:40:30 GMT

wow,
ahm. seems like everyone is in the myspace-world now.. even me.. lol.
well... theres not much going on here.
i am studying for my driving thest.. and sfter that test i will be studying for my midtermexam-like-thing
and yeah.. anfter that i have school for two weeks and i will be stuying for that.

i am gonna paint one of my walls yellow.

and i am kinda frustrated, cz nobody wants to go to london with me.
i am gonna move there in 2008. probably.
if moritz and i don't last.. i'll be gone.
but we r good for now so i'll just sit back and see how things work out.

ana came back from croatia today. we wanted to go to prag together this weekend, but i didn't know if i could get off form work or not.. my boss wasnt shure if he had enough people.
and anas dad told her relatives that she'd come to croatia.. so.. she went and i am still stuck here in my appartment.
moritz wanted to come over tonight.. but he just wrote me a message that he won't come...

so i am kind ahanging in there..
i am hut, cuz i was just forgotten and left behind and i cant even blame someone foor it.
anas dad didnt know that i could get off.. and i understand ana for going cuz her relatives were already looking forward to it.
oh well...

i asked my grandma if she would go with me.. but she said that she might have to take care of my parents dog.
since my parents are moving in a couple of weeks.. and in the week that i have off, they are already in an apartment int the town where they are moving.

depressing weekend.
i could have been to prag or london.
but somehow i am sitting here...

i already looked at job-adds in the london times.. they had some interesting stuff.
i am serious about this. and the more i try to go to london and the less it works the more i have to go there.
i am gonna have a small house in finchley and an irish setter, i'll drive a mini cooper and drink tea all day.
i'll say things like "oh what a pettie" and spend hours in museums and bokstores.
i'll go to speakers corner, on aregularbasis and listen to what they have to say.
i'll go to little india and serveral tea-shops.
and in the morning i wake up with the thought "chrissy, you are in london, isnt that great?"
and i'll make myself a cup of cappucino and just wander around the city the whole day.
and i am gonna call the dog "dude" ince it's the coolest name a dog can have.

yeah.. well..
in 2008 sam is gonna get married..so i'll go back t jersey for a week or two..
and finally hang out with sam leef.. since we never did when i was there..

oh, and in london, i'll sit in my mini and drive out on the countryside and look for castles and what is left of them.
and then i'll have a little picknick and explore the castle that i just found.

ok, i feel a little better now...

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 15:46:19 GMT

Time for a new update...

lets see...

heres my cat, his name is speedy... is bigger now.. but hes still cute...

moritz is haveing his social year from august on.. since he didnt want to go to the army..
he's gonna be something like a paramedic, he'll drive around in the ambulance car and stuff...
he loves it so far.
he wants to study medical engineering next year.

my job is great, i really love it.
my parents house will be done in oktober.. so theyre gonna move away sometime then..
and yeah..

well, i'm gonna go over to my moms now and have dinner and watch emerceny room...
and mybe i'll be on l8r this night..
or some other time or so...

peace out!

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 16:43:02 GMT

so.. i am not bord this time.. just kinda bummed...
nobody on my buddylist pdates anymore.. exept for emily clay..
well, anyway..
i have to go to my parents now..
an i'll tkae pics of my kitten l8r n this night and post them..
but now i'll have to catch him and make shure he doesnt brak anything in my appartment, since hes running around as if he had a little bit too much caffeine.. or something like that..

peace out!